and the pendulum swings.

the sunshine left today. it's dark outside. raining.
rather fitting for my mood.

lack of patience, inspiration, motivation, and creativity. mix that with some emotional upheaval and you've got my mood.

it's one of those days where i wish i could pack a bag and take off. not forever or anything, just enough time to regroup. a break from reality i suppose. the reality of bills, parenting, endless housework, and general adultness. (i'm pretty sure i just made that word up).


i have a few things pushing me out of my comfort zone right now. i know that being pushed can be a good thing, but it's rarely easy. lack of confidence is a big factor in this.
i signed on to be part of an art fair (that is raising money for a good cause) where i could potentially sell some photos. am i ready for this? i understand i'm not going to make any money doing this, but do i really want to put myself out there? can i ask people to look at my work seriously when i don't even know how to operate my camera on a technical level? it feels a bit absurd to be honest.
and the other stuff? pretty personal. pretty heavy (for me). there are people in my life who have had a negative effect on me for most of my life. i am sure they don't see it that way. and every so often i have to consider if it is worth it to me to have them in my life for just a brief moment. the older i get the answer becomes more certain, but i really do try not to be indifferent towards people. it's a situation where when it's not right in my face i am fine and feel as if i have dealt with it in a good mental health kind of way. then when it does pop up i get headaches just thinking about it, second guess my reasons behind my decisions, and revert to an emotional state i would rather not be in.

so today i am letting it out a bit (obviously). i am trying not to dwell on these things, and remember that by this time next week many of these feelings will have passed. but today they are weighing me down. i guess i need to pack these feelings in a bag and send them packing. then i can keep on with the good thing.


***no sooner than i hit publish, i kid you not, the sun peeked out and the rain stopped. really!***


  1. aww, I totally relate. I have had to make a few decision in my life that involve eliminating mean spirited toxic people....that is easier said than done and sometimes I question myself.

    I love your shots, and it's really about giving other people the gift of seeing what they want to see...it's their interest...if I think of it that way, it's easier for me but yeah, I'm the same way about my stuff (I do interior design too, and am THE worst at promoting myself).

    Peace and support :)

  2. Um, Jessica? Your photographs=amazing. Believe it. I will believe in you, just will need you to return the favor someday.
    And the other stuff? It sounds so frustrating and heart-breaking. I don't know your situation, but I know I have "toxic" people in my life that do do do make me want to hide under a rock. Which just pisses me off. YOu are so right, a little but of space/time helps me feel so less oppressed and like I have to *do* something about it. Your perspective is the pinnacle of adultness. Yes, I used it too.

  3. oh man we need to talk!
    paralell lives or something.

    i too struggle with difficult relationships in my life. people who consistently bring me down do not serve to the good of me or my soul or spirit. but yet i still try to please... why?

    if you figure it out maybe you can share it with me.


    ps your work is worthy to be shared bought and loved.

  4. just wanted to tell you that your art inspires me every day. yours is the first flickr icon i click on each time i log on - to see what fabulousness you are sharing next.

    sending love and wishing you patience with yourself.

  5. girl, i feel you.
    not in a wierd way. :)
    i just get it.
    some days are just like that.
    i like your idea of putting them in the suitcase. write it down on paper and shove it in there. :)
    hey, what art fair will you be at? i'd love to see you!!!

  6. Suzanne (Flickr friend)4/09/2010

    Wow! I am so glad I read this. First I am dealing with the same thing in my life and second I feel so relieved other people do too. (Not that I want you to feel that way). It has been difficult distancing myself from a 10 year friendship that only causes me to be someone I don't want to be and great anxiety...

    Your photos are amazing!!

  7. is it a full moon? i've been feeling the same way lately, too. sometimes, i try to remind myself that living in the moment (which i try to do) includes giving some of the negative stuff their 15 minutes of fame. it's only the rough times that make us realize how good the good times are.

    and your work? it's amazing! i always feel a bit stalker-ish when i fell the need to comment on EVERY. SINGLE. IMAGE. you post. but they're all just that good. they evoke feelings in me. you are a wonderful artist!!!!!

  8. oh my goodness your images are AMAZING... ♥ soo lovely!! ♥

  9. and can i just say, the best thing i have done is to release the people who bring me down.
    sometimes it's hard and little bits of guilt creep up...
    and i still have some stragglers to deal with... haha..

    but there were a few BIG ones... and with all of life's complications...
    i don't need to be dragged down.... sigh....

    many blessings to you... your talent shines thru your images....

    so happy to visit here...

  10. I totally feel you too. I think you have a healthy way of dealing. And yes, your images are delish. Fabulous tones and composition.

  11. ding, ding, ding - that's the resonating bell o' life. You aren't alone. I've begun to think that part of growing up emotionally is learning how to prune negative things from life. sometimes if one can't prune the people, learning how to prune those reactions that they bring about in us. taking our power back and using it for positive energy within ourselves. learning how to set up boundaries on the ways they can and can't affect us. not easy...


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