the sunshine left today. it's dark outside. raining.
rather fitting for my mood.
lack of patience, inspiration, motivation, and creativity. mix that with some emotional upheaval and you've got my mood.
it's one of those days where i wish i could pack a bag and take off. not forever or anything, just enough time to regroup. a break from reality i suppose. the reality of bills, parenting, endless housework, and general adultness. (i'm pretty sure i just made that word up).
i have a few things pushing me out of my comfort zone right now. i know that being pushed can be a good thing, but it's rarely easy. lack of confidence is a big factor in this.
i signed on to be part of an art fair (that is raising money for a good cause) where i could potentially sell some photos. am i ready for this? i understand i'm not going to make any money doing this, but do i really want to put myself out there? can i ask people to look at my work seriously when i don't even know how to operate my camera on a technical level? it feels a bit absurd to be honest.
and the other stuff? pretty personal. pretty heavy (for me). there are people in my life who have had a negative effect on me for most of my life. i am sure they don't see it that way. and every so often i have to consider if it is worth it to me to have them in my life for just a brief moment. the older i get the answer becomes more certain, but i really do try not to be indifferent towards people. it's a situation where when it's not right in my face i am fine and feel as if i have dealt with it in a good mental health kind of way. then when it does pop up i get headaches just thinking about it, second guess my reasons behind my decisions, and revert to an emotional state i would rather not be in.
so today i am letting it out a bit (obviously). i am trying not to dwell on these things, and remember that by this time next week many of these feelings will have passed. but today they are weighing me down. i guess i need to pack these feelings in a bag and send them packing. then i can keep on with the good thing.
***no sooner than i hit publish, i kid you not, the sun peeked out and the rain stopped. really!***