Mama blue's


Nothing too serious. I just have this mama battle in my head lately. I'm having to let go of one baby and make room for another. The letting go part is where I am struggling. Henry is growing so quickly and I know when his sibling arrives it will make him seem that much older and bigger. He's growing more independent everyday and that can be hard to swallow at times.

For instance, we went swimming a few days ago at a friends house (yes, of course I forgot my camera). In the past he has despised wearing his floaties (water wings, what have you), but even more so dislikes being held in the water. He wants to swim on his own. So, I forced the floaties onto his arms, which took a couple of minutes, then put him in the water. Then the hard part. I let go. And you know what? He LOVED it! Right away he figured out how to raise his arms so his head would go under and lower them so his head would come back up. Next he swam over to the steps, got out and hauled you know what to the deep end and with absolutely no fear or hesitation jumped in. Thank goodness he liked it because the look on his face when he came up out of the water made me laugh so hard it took me a few seconds to get to him. And that was our afternoon. Him jumping into the deep end and swimming back to the stairs in the shallow end. Repeat (about 8 more times). Maybe this shouldn't have been a difficult thing for me but it was. He looks so little swimming on his own like that. Also, the fact that he has no fear puts the fear in me. Now I'm afraid of him hitting his head on the side of the pool when he jumps. I guess those kinds of worries will always be with me.

I try not to worry about him too much, but I do. While I love watching him gain that independence he so badly wants, I worry about the bumps and scrapes (and not just the physical ones) he'll get while on that path. At the same time I don't want him to be afraid of those things either. I want him to be strong and confident and hopefully not sense or see the agonizing concern on my face when he attempts things for the first time. Is it possible the arrival of a new baby will occupy many of those worrisome thoughts for a while and give my boy some of the space he needs? That could be a good thing for the two of us.

Its definitely an internal tug of war for me. Fortunately, he still likes to hold my hand on occasion.


  1. I remember experiencing similar anxiety - hard to believe it was more than six years ago. One day I was sitting on the floor playing with my daughter, I was a few months pregnant with my son, and I heard that Beattles song, Nothing's Gonna Change My World. I started sobbing and thinking, what have I done? I'm completely changing my daughter's world.

    Hang in there - I'm sure you will both survive your tug of war beautifully.

  2. Thinking "what have I done?" describes it to a T. It's such an odd feeling of being so anxious and excited at the same time. Thanks for the encouragement!


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