beat it

i'm sitting here at the computer editing photos when henry walks up to me and asks to watch the video where they are fighting with knives. i ask, "what?". i am completely perplexed. he tells me the video where the are fighting with knives, but not really, they are actually dancing with knives. (this doesn't help). i send him off to ask matt - maybe he knows what this child means. i hear matt say something about michael jackson and 'bad'. turns out henry wants to watch the 'beat it' video. random? absofreakinglutely. i have no clue where that came from! i'm afraid to ask to be perfectly honest.

so we go to youtube, type up our demand and before i can hit play henry is excitedly calling for the "lego one, play the lego one!!!" and sure enough, there it is.



and the whole time he's watching it, he's telling me that this is the lego set he wants.

i love this kid.

beauty for good.

as we all struggle to wrap our minds around the terrifying effects of the catastrophic events that have and continue to occur in japan it is easy to feel helpless. while i was sitting here feeling stunned and heartbroken reading the news, my friend erika was putting together a way for all of us to help those who can provide some relief.

erika has a gathered a small collection of prints from a handful of photographers to be auctioned off with all proceeds to benefit the relief efforts of the ICRC (international committee of the red cross). each photograph is 8x12 with a borderless lustre finish and printed on archival paper. your purchase will ship directly from costco professional printers in order to cut down on shipping costs. there are 8 prints to choose from (see above) and at $20 each they make an affordable way for you to brighten someone's day (maybe even your own) and do a good deed all in one go. the prints will be on the auction block until saturday, march 19.

i feel fortunate to have friends with such giving hearts and am humbled that erika invited me to contribute to this project. i would be honored if you helped us in this effort to show some compassion and love for our fellow humans who are facing struggles and hardships that really are beyond my comprehension. it truly is a small world and every bit of kindness helps.

for more details you can visit here or go to the erika ray photography facebook page where you can get a larger view of the available prints.

this might be long winded.

but for some reason it needs to come out, and i haven't visited this space in months so i'm just going to type and leave it at that. it just feels kind of nice to be back here.

i am horrible at organizing and editing my photos. i upload and run. i rarely delete. and i've been this way for 4 years now. this behavior adds up to a lot of crap photos taking space on my computer. apparently a lot of space. so, i've been slowly working on organizing my photos with the intention of then going back through the folders and tossing out the junk. and oh my, is there a lot of junk. i mean how many photos of baby food or carpenter bees do i really need? and the blurry ones? thousands and thousands of photos of blurry children run rampant on my hard drive. (have i mentioned that i've also never backed up my photos?)

so, i go to upload some photos and they won't upload. i'm out of space. then weird things pop up saying there was an error in trying to save my photos in iphoto though i don't even have that program open. panic starts setting in and mass deletion (on my part) begins. i'm trying to go ahead and delete the tens of thousands of photos i don't deem worthy of taking up space before i back everything up. which i really am going to do. i've lost photos before (though i think they could be lurking in the trash somewhere. i don't know because iphoto won't let me open it). dealing with this task has been a bit of burden in my mind and putting it off has been my way of (not) dealing with it. anyway, rambling here . . .

and here i get to the tissues sitting there on the desk. going through this many photos and reviewing them has been extremely cathartic. at one point i didn't feel like i was emotionally capable of going through certain folders, like ones from thanksgiving where there were so many photos of my grampa, or all the pictures of the kids with our dog mason (who passed away in september at the ripe old age of 15). i had to stop several times because i was a blubbering mess hoping that i didn't wake up the kids from their naps, but i kept going (and i didn't wake them up). i still have a lot more pictures to go through, but going through these en masse i'm also figuring some things out. for example, i don't need to take any more photos of carpenter bees or baby food being made. or that i've come a long way, baby. it's a big deal to me that i'm more comfortable shooting in manual mode than any other mode. i would not have even thought that possible two years ago. maybe two years from now i'll be impressed with myself for having a decent organizational system for my photos! who knows?

so, that's what i've been doing the last couple of days and will still be doing for the next few days. if you don't see me around too much in the next few days, you'll know i'm busy hitting that delete button with no regrets. unless i mess something up somehow. because that is very possible too.


and hey! i remembered my blogger password. that's something!

. . . . . . . . . . .

my camera is temporarily out of commission. (that's a very wishful statement, by the way). i'm not quite sure what is wrong with it, but it keeps locking up and won't shut off without removing the battery. as of now i know it's not the battery or lens and that's about it. spending quite a bit of time online trying to troubleshoot before sending it off to canon. i'm also perusing new camera's just in case, ha ha.

so i figure in the meantime i may upload older photos that have never been seen. and to keep up with my 365 (i'm too close to the end to give up) i'm going to shoot film. at least i'm going to try. so, while i'll be attempting to keep up with it, my posts will be late.

keep your fingers crossed for me that the problem is as simple as a dead memory card!

sequestered.

lately i feel like i have more shadows than i should at one time. not enough quiet and calm to break up the noise and chaos. some days i can take this in stride, while other days i feel like all coping skills have mysteriously vanished and may never be seen again. i feel like hiding away sometimes and the other night i did. as soon as dinner was finished i bolted up the stairs telling matt i needed at least 10 minutes, ducked into the bedroom and locked the door. i put some music on and laid on the floor next to the bed. the lock is faulty, so my hope was that if a noisy small person came in i might not be found.

i was found, but sometimes all it takes is 10 minutes of breathing in a room that you have all to yourself. that night i think i got 12 minutes.

monday maintenance

it's been a domestic morning here. i think i've accomplished more this morning than i did in all of last week. starting some bread, hanging laundry, making some detergent, making another batch of molly's dish soap, and enjoying listening to this:



it's good morning music, but i think it would pair nicely with a beautiful sunset, a slight breeze, a strong drink, and good friends. but that's just me.
you can get a free download from junip by joining their mailing list here.

the norm.

a typical conversation around here lately.

"mom!"
"what?"
"mom? mommy? mom?"
"yes?"
"mommy?"
"i said what?"
"mom - o!"
"WHAT?"
"mom. mom. mom."
"i'm listening."
"mom?"
"what henry?"
"mom."

repeat 43 times a day.

making.

~making coffee ice cubes. repeat for the next 5 months.


~making my boy happy by acting out scenes from duma with him (he's duma, i'm xan). haven't seen this movie? i recommend it.

~making a batch of laundry detergent. and in turn, making clean laundry, which then makes a pile of clothes on the bed to put away at a later time.

recipe:
1 - 2 bars of castile soap
1 cup of washing soda
1 cup of borax
i don't measure any more though. just eyeball it.

~making lunch. making a mess.

~making myself crazy by sewing a doily on to my quilt top. never again will i sew a doily on anything. (but it is cute!).


~making some lists. i'm a list maker. though my handwriting is nearly illegible thanks to the computer.

~making my way out to the hammock while the littles finish napping.


what are you making these days?

o≈o

today we trekked to the museum again to take in this exhibit and make a sculpture of a car, today's planned activity for the kids. more and more i'm so glad we bought that family pass. henry does not have that much interest in browsing the museum but is very interested in the art projects. since they often relate the project to a specific piece of art or in this case an exhibit, it gives us a chance to check out the museum in small portions.



upon walking into the car exhibit henry said, "whoa!". he was impressed with the size (and probably the shininess), and i admit i was too. these cars were pretty stunning pieces of design. unfortunately, he wasn't interested enough to linger and really admire the details like i wanted too, but that just means i need to go back. i think there are 18 cars in the exhibit and i didn't get to read about any of them. i took as many pictures as i could, but was not confident enough in the boy's ability to refrain from touching anything, so i didn't want to take my eyes off him for more than a few seconds at a time. also, no flash or tripods are allowed, so i got a lot of blur and was often shooting blind.

after the exhibit we headed to the classrooms for some sculpting. they wanted them to sculpt cars. i had already told henry to make whatever he wanted. henry and bea were really into the clay.




eventually their sculptures became one and turned into a car of some sort. henry calls it a bunny car.


those blue crayons sticking out are the horns. there was a 1937 mercedes roadster (gorgeous!) that had two large silver horns on the front. i was happy to know that he was paying attention.

i hope to get back to this exhibit without the littles. i'd love to linger and appreciate all the details on these cars, and of course get some better photos. if i do, i'll be sure to share.

*highlight from today - henry seeing a banner for this upcoming exhibit and saying, "i want a mustache like that someday!' . awesome. and it wouldn't surprise if he followed through with it. i'll be sure to share that if it ever happens!

collected.

tried to take the littles out for a ride today. bea on her trike, henry on his new (thrifted) bat-scooter. we didn't make it past our neighbors house. he parked the scooter, traipsed into their yard and picked every weed he could hold. then he rode his scooter across the street and proceeded to do the same at our other neighbors house. at this point bea is saying "buckle" repeatedly, meaning for me to UN-buckle her and let her loose. she didn't pick any flowers, but she was another set of hands to hold the ones henry was picking.

it's all fine with me. i believe weeds hold up better than fresh cut flowers and they're just as pretty.

----------

i've been suffering from insomnia lately. not too bad, but definitely having later nights than i would like. i had it much worse in high school. i have a mind that won't shut off sometimes. last night i found myself wishing i could listen to music or podcasts AND read my book simultaneously just so i could keep busy enough. i suppose it could be done and who's to say i'd retain any less information? it's affecting my ability to deal with noise of which there is a lot of in my house. why are the smallest ones the loudest?

i tried taking so many pictures today and come away with only a few that were worthy of keeping/editing the hell out of. we were inside much of the day because my allergies are making me want to claw my eyeballs from their sockets and bea walks around rubbing her eyes saying "eye?". anyway, i took a few selfies and all that did is make me want to count all the grays in my hair. i was a little surprised at the amount (i didn't actually count though). i realized i look as tired as i feel and i feel like i am definitely closer to forty than i am to twenty. which is true, i am. but that doesn't mean i want feel it. or feel like i look it.

and to not sound entirely grumpy and whiny i'll let you know i've been feeling grateful at the same time. for so many things. one of them being this amazing community. i was going through one of my photo sets on flickr last night and getting really sappy and silly and i was just really touched by the comments. i'm just grateful for this opportunity to 'meet' so many people and share experiences with them (and you). some of you have been around since i started this blog (or close to it) and began posting on flickr (close to 2.5 yrs ago i think - i might be wrong). you are witnessing me and my family grow and sharing that experience and that is really pretty powerful. i get so much support and love from all of you and just want you to know it's appreciated beyond measure. and i can't even begin to describe what i have gained from all of you. so thank you. it means so much to me that you stop by here.


i found this cover over here today, and i am really enjoying it. if you aren't familiar with mr. ferry's site look around (especially at his photography site). i would pack up today and leave for london if i could because of his photos. of course if you've been visiting here long enough, you know i'd pack up today and go just about anywhere : )

the little things.

today was about the little things (and the little ones).

~ spotting the neighbors cat pichon birding under our trees.



~ dirt to fill the new raised beds.

~ picnicking in the backyard.

~ multiple loads of laundry making it out to the clothes line.



~ lying on clean sheets under the fan with a good book. or two.

~ hours of good music.

~ a girl who doesn't mind getting a little *ahem* dirty.



~ papa bringing home dinner so no one had to cook or clean up the kitchen.

~ a certain boy telling me he loves me out of the blue. (and it was after the haircut he didn't want).

~ cold beers.

~ a half clean house.

~ sleeping babes.


hoping you all have fun, sun-filled weekend!

while i sat.

i spent a good part of the day feeling out of it and entirely distracted. bea had her 18m check up today where i learned that i missed scheduling her 15m one, so maybe i've just been distracted for a few months now. i think having kids will do that to you. or at least amplify it.

here is the part where i leave out the details about how i just about drove through the garage door and instead tell you how i got my head out of the clouds.

i put those littles down for nap. i poured myself an iced coffee, grabbed some music, and headed out into the sun. i sat next to our new expanded garden (that is still waiting for dirt and chicken poop) and wished there were seeds growing in it, though i know they will be very soon. i'm just impatient.



i admired the pines that are far enough from our house that if they fell they wouldn't hit it. (it's happened before). and while admiring that view i grew a little envious of the neighbors behind us with the huge garden and lots of shade free ground to have it on. (we have a lot of shade - which kind of stinks for the food growing, but i'm grateful for it all the same. less sunburn worry for the little ones).



i rubbed my dog's head. and wished i was napping outside too. time to get working on that quilt that's planned just for that purpose.



i watched dancing shadows on the house.



i wondered why we have so many more beautiful weeds in the yard this year than any other year i can remember. i thought about henry telling matt he didn't want him to get rid of the weeds because he loved them. because they tickled him.

and now i don't feel quite so distracted. we'll see what tomorrow brings.

slow day.

today was about snuggling with a sick boy and letting him escape into movies. a lot of them. it was about not caring if he took 3 naps because he was so feverish and tired. it was indulging him in super hero popsicles that i would not normally buy and letting him have 2 of them. today was relishing the calmness that his illness brought, as sorry as i am that he felt so horrible.



today was watching bea explore the house on her own and play her own games with out mimicking big brother. it was watching her stack towers of blocks, pick any cars she wanted, and see the busy work she so enjoys. today was watching her care for her brother and give him all the hugs he wanted with out telling him "NO!".

green.

so this week's assignment for the c & c photography workshop was all about telling a story with color. and if i thought i had a difficult time last week, i really struggled with this one. this week i had the ideas but i just couldn't execute them. i tried several things and just was not happy with anything. then i lost my battery charger for the camera and thought maybe i should bust out some (very valued) film. it was tempting, but i found the charger! and then i had an ordeal that i needed to tend that kept me on the phone and on the computer much of today. i didn't think i would be able to post anything, and i was really upset with myself for letting this assignment slip. and then it happened . . .

the garden expansion.


make a diptych.



use the colors complement (red). and add a person.


an unfocused one.




make one image a square.










it's been a busy day here, but i look forward to seeing everyone else's colors tomorrow!

and the pendulum swings.

the sunshine left today. it's dark outside. raining.
rather fitting for my mood.

lack of patience, inspiration, motivation, and creativity. mix that with some emotional upheaval and you've got my mood.

it's one of those days where i wish i could pack a bag and take off. not forever or anything, just enough time to regroup. a break from reality i suppose. the reality of bills, parenting, endless housework, and general adultness. (i'm pretty sure i just made that word up).




i have a few things pushing me out of my comfort zone right now. i know that being pushed can be a good thing, but it's rarely easy. lack of confidence is a big factor in this.
i signed on to be part of an art fair (that is raising money for a good cause) where i could potentially sell some photos. am i ready for this? i understand i'm not going to make any money doing this, but do i really want to put myself out there? can i ask people to look at my work seriously when i don't even know how to operate my camera on a technical level? it feels a bit absurd to be honest.
and the other stuff? pretty personal. pretty heavy (for me). there are people in my life who have had a negative effect on me for most of my life. i am sure they don't see it that way. and every so often i have to consider if it is worth it to me to have them in my life for just a brief moment. the older i get the answer becomes more certain, but i really do try not to be indifferent towards people. it's a situation where when it's not right in my face i am fine and feel as if i have dealt with it in a good mental health kind of way. then when it does pop up i get headaches just thinking about it, second guess my reasons behind my decisions, and revert to an emotional state i would rather not be in.

so today i am letting it out a bit (obviously). i am trying not to dwell on these things, and remember that by this time next week many of these feelings will have passed. but today they are weighing me down. i guess i need to pack these feelings in a bag and send them packing. then i can keep on with the good thing.



***no sooner than i hit publish, i kid you not, the sun peeked out and the rain stopped. really!***

i thought it was april.

this week has been a taste of summer, but with a little less humidity and much more pollen.

we've been spending a lot of time outdoors but with frequent breaks inside (i've already had a sunburn).



lots of exploring going on in the backyard. eating mint and wild onions. climbing of fences. mud pies.



bubble blowing. chalk drawing. seed planting. laundry hanging. bucket rides.



and even some slow moments for mama. though they don't last long.



i have been reading so much lately. a sure sign that the babes are getting bigger and more self sufficient. i think i've read 2 entire books in a week! that is some pre-baby reading there. it's been such a treat, though i'm not getting much else done. but i don't mind.

what's on your reading lists right now?

all in a day.

today was the kind of day i needed.
busy - yet laid back. my favorite combination. i haven't picked up a stitch of knitting, sewn a single seam, or read a single chapter of my new book (all of those being things i really would like to do).

but i did start my day with the sweetest snuggles from a sleepy bea and that was a good sign. it was the kind of day where i didn't feel guilty about letting henry play games on pbskids.org for an hour while i played domestic goddess and spied bea sitting in a chair looking at books and 'reading' to herself. this was followed by some sibling interaction and bed jumping. them, not me.



then it was time to head out doors. the sun was shining but it was pleasingly cool. i had grand hopes of getting the garden ready for planting and tidying up the back deck. neither task was completed, but that was okay. i pushed littles on the swings, watched them transfer dirt from one planter to another, take countless trips down the slide, jump through the hula hoop, and torment each other here and there.

i did get the basil, parsley, and cilantro put in. i bought new gardening gloves, though i seem to use my bare hands more often than not. i watched henry find a tree to climb (his favorite part of his day), eat mint right from the plant, and move rocks. i watched bea push a rocket all over the yard, get dirt caked under her nails, and witnessed her being completely content in what she was doing.



i watched the littles follow matt around the yard when he got home, show off for him, tell him about their day, and 'help' him chop down a scraggly, dead tree. i made turkey burgers on the grill, did the dishes, spent time on the computer, listened to some great new (to me) music that was recommended by a virtual friend.

i left the front and back doors open. we listened to the birds. i saw a pileated woodpecker while i sat eating my dinner.
i was grateful to savor the little things that really aren't so little when you look at the bigger picture.

painterly.

we had some strange weather today. gray, misty, and chilly this morning giving way to waves of sun and rain in the afternoon. it's 9:oo pm and i still have the windows open.

when the sun finally broke through henry asked if he could paint outside. so i set him up with paint, brushes, and taped a huge piece of paper up on the sliding back door. he painted for a little while and then asked me if i know the guy who paints with drips.

"jackson pollock?", i asked.
"yes", henry said.

so i asked if he wanted to paint like him.



matt came out to take a look. henry told him he was painting like 'jack pollock'.


a couple of weeks ago we bought a year pass to the high museum because we got a great deal on a family pass. we haven't used it yet, but thursday i plan on taking the littles down there. every thursday is 'toddler thursday' and they have an art/craft project for the kids to do and of course you can hang around the museum. many times the project relates to an exhibit being shown. this could be really great or really, uh, interesting. i'll keep you posted.

soccer? not so much.

saturday was henry's first day of soccer. he was so excited about it. until the practice started. they started with stretching, he didn't want to. i told him i'd do it with him. nope. okay, no big deal. then they started playing games (with parental involvement). nope. nothing. no interest what. so. ever.

and he was the only one. it was so sad to watch. i didn't want to push him but i wanted him to just try. it was a difficult situation to be in for us especially because we didn't expect that reaction from him. matt and i took turns going on the field with him and trying to initiate play. it worked a couple of times. but then he got upset and started crying. maybe it was too much. it was a little chaotic and he wanted to play just not the way they were. he wanted to go to the big goals and kick the ball when they were lined up to kick in the little ones. that kind of thing. and we kept getting these pitiful looks from other parents. i didn't mind. i wasn't going to force him out there. i was just sad that he wasn't having a good time.

hopefully this week will be better. his friend emery is playing too, but she was signed up for the session before us. so we're going to go to the early session instead. maybe if he's got a buddy playing he'll follow her lead.